Five Things I Learned This Weekend

I knew Five Things I Learned This Weekend would return sooner or later and here it is.

1. There Are Nuts For Pants And There Are Nuts For Cookies - They Are Not The Same

So I was way late to the Christmas party this year.  So late that the outdoor Christmas lights are still sitting on the living room floor. So late that we sent our Christmas cards out on Friday - if you didn't get one, I apologize on behalf of the US Postal service, it was clearly lost in transit. This is what you missed:

So late that I didn't even think about Christmas cookies until Saturday night. But then I listened to the She & Him holiday album and that was all the motivation I needed to make some liquor filled cookies - really, are there any other kinds?

Brandy and Rum balls were the plan and the husband was in charge of the nut grinding. I figured he had more experience with nuts than me and should probably just handle that part. Whoops.

NUTS EVERYWHERE!

Husband: Uh oh
Me: What?
Husband: The cap fell off - there are nuts all over my pants.
Me to brain: Don't make nut jokes, he's probably really upset and thinks he ruined the cookies. Be nice, I know it's hard for you but just try, ok? No nut jokes.
Me: It's ok, we'll just vacuum them up.  We've got extra nuts.
Husband: Can't you just use the ones from my pants?
Instantly I regretted promising my brain that there would be no nut jokes... and yet I still resisted.
Me: No, I'm not going to scrape the nuts off your pants and put them in the cookies.
And then I vacuumed up his nuts.


2. I Am The God Of Present Wrapping

Censored - while highly unlikely, this might be for you.

...with duct tape and empty beer boxes.

Do I get a duct tape award for this or something?

3. Owning A Dog Means Being OK With Random Body Parts Strewn About the House

Those are an antler, a hoof and a leg bone, there are pig tails in the pantry and at one point there was also a bull penis. Let's think about this. For some reason, I am completely ok with pieces of dead animal laying all over my house including genitalia. It's like I'm living in a house of horrors. If an animal were somehow to die in my house, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't even realize it wasn't supposed to be there... maybe once it started to smell but even then I'm not so sure.  Have you ever been around a dog chewing on animal parts? They don't smell very good. And if you feed them liver treats? Prepare to be gassed out of your home. It's like chemical warfare. I kid you not - doggy swamp-ass.


4. Blisters Are Contagious - Can you believe that the hubby and I blistered ourselves on the same night, in almost the same spot, at nearly the exact same moment? He was moving logs in the fireplace and I was taking a pizza out of the oven. If that doesn't scream soul mates, I don't know what does. Destiny!

5. Gnome Luck Only Lasts For One Year - Then You Have To Find A New Gnome

I am the proud owner of a Green Bay Packers gnome. My little green and gold good luck charm was a Christmas gift from my mom last year, right after the Packers lost their last game (12/19 to the Patriots). My gnome helped lead the Packers to 19 straight victories for an entire year. For a year, my gnome and I were inseparable.

My gnome was with me at the Packers playoff victory in Atlanta. As a matter of fact, so was my gnome's twin brother.

Yes, we parked next to complete strangers with the same lucky gnome.

My gnome flew across the country, encased in styrofoam and in my checked bag, to Los Angeles, where we watched the Superbowl and he got tipsy with our besties.

My gnome traveled to Charlotte to see if Cam was really all that.

Then my gnome went back to the Dome to witness another Packers victory in person. Person? Gnomen?

And when my gnome wasn't traveling with me, he was perched atop our mantle, watching over us from above.

My gnome was undefeated...

The beautiful victor and his brat

until Sunday. Almost one year to the day of the Packers last loss, my gnome's luck ran out. The Packers, who were on their way to a perfect season, lost. My gnome's reputation was tarnished, sullied, irreparable. I'm not really sure what to think now. Is he still my "lucky" gnome or am I forced to find a replacement gnome? I'm starting to believe that lucky gnomes only have a one year lifespan. Also, I think my gnome was only an Offensive gnome because he didn't really contribute to the D much at all this year.  Here's to hoping the next little guy's luck is more evenly distributed or maybe I'll keep this guy but he better start stepping up his game.

Other Uses For An E-collar

We've reached Day 2 1/2 of Olive's E-collar entrapment (due to a mystery skin infection). She is NOT enjoying her plastic prison BUT, in these few short days, she has taught us that there are many other uses for the cone of shame.

1. Battering Ram - This was either a futile attempt at escape or she's still learning the spacial ramifications of having a plastic cone around her head. Last night, while out for her evening poo, she got the zoomies and ran head first into the fence, thereby cracking the cone in half. This, my friends, is probably what duct tape was invented for.

I only have myself to blame

2. Sandblaster - I'm fairly certain I'm going to need to repaint our entire house.  Every turn she makes is right into a wall, leading to quite a bit of paint scraping. The trim on the backdoor was already in need of some touch-ups but Olive's inability to understand the size of her plasti-head has moved this way up on the project list.  She's also gotten her head stuck in the fireplace.

3. Weight Control System - CAN'T - REACH - THE - FOOD!

Get in my belly!

4. Megaphone - You thought she barked loud before?  She sounds like crazy cheerleader mom now.

5. Beer Funnel - Thanks to my buddy, Clinty, for this suggestion. You just pour in your PBR (if you're a hipster) or Stella (if you think you're a beer snob but are really unknowingly sipping on the Pabst of Europe) and drink away.

***WARNING*** Do not try if you have a problem with hair in your drink. Actually you probably shouldn't drink out of any glass in our house if you're afraid of finding hair in your drink. I shed quite profusely and so do my animals.

6. Pathetic Face Amplifier - Sad faces look so much more ridiculous encased in plastic...

I... remember... freedom.  It... was... glorious.

I imagine you could say the same thing about Carbonite.  Han Solo wasn't looking so hot in that either.

7. Costume - Hello... who's going to be a Victrola for Halloween next year? Or perhaps a Dilophosaurus... yes, I know they don't really look like the spitter dinos from Jurassic Park but for my purposes they absolutely do.  Movies are just like real life; you will not convince me otherwise. Or maybe a cocktail glass?  Her name is already Olive so I'll just teach her to walk on her hind legs and she can go as a dirty martini.

I'd rather you just put the antlers back on my head and call me Olive the Other Reindeer again.  That might be less humiliating.

8. Jai alai Scoop - Properly known as a xistera (who knew? Thanks, wikipedia). She is SOOO good at catching tennis balls now.

Seriously?

We've got one more day to go before we attempt the cone-removal procedure. She's started the countdown... well, maybe she hasn't but we have. We haven't taught her how to count yet. Though I'm pretty sure if she understood math, she'd have spent all of this time scratching her days in captivity into the wall next to her crate.

Playing Dr.

Lots of stuff going on right now... been hard to keep up.  Had to share though that we're about to head to the veterinarian during the Packers game... yes, that is how much we love our dog.  Oh and she makes one pathetic patient.

Maybe you could wrap this better. I honestly just look like I don't know how to put on socks.

Don't look at me, I'm hideous.

Don't know what's wrong just yet besides nasty, swollen puss-paw.  In other news, someone is REALLY excited about Christmas.

Nothing like emergency vet bills right before Christmas.

***Update***  We've got a Conehead.

Might cancel Directv and just mount her on the house.  Though I'm not sure she comes with Sunday Ticket.